I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
