why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
