I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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