Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
