i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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