its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The air was thick with penises
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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