I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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