I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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