I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
