I hate your face
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
