1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
