she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
and i looked up. we had an audience...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
