im about as happy as oj after his trial
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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