I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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