It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
