Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
