She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
