Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
