Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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