Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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