Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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