I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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