Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
