I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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