Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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