you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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