so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
