i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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