dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
