Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
