I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
