I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
