Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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