Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
