omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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