Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
