True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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