My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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