I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
