the condom got lost in my hair
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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