Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
