Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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