why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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