I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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