If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
