Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
