My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
