Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
