Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
