took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
