I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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