I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
