Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
