How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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